My room smells like vodka and shame
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
