it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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