nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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