I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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