I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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