She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
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