throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
