How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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