he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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