i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Randomize
