The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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