I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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