Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
