Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
