you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
