Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
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