I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
