Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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