Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
