ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
