Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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