chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
