Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Randomize
