If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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