No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
