Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
