If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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