She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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