My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
