I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
