No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize
