I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
