He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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