My sheets look like a crime scene.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize