Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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