I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
