i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize