On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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