Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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