Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
