the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
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