Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
