Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize