Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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