the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
