12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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