I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
