There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
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