you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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