I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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