finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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