i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
