I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
