my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
