Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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